THE ADVENTURES OF
"The World's Greatest Coordinologist"
Last Known Interview With
Doctor Chess by
On June 9,
after school, A.
Chess for an end-of-the-school-year
interview. The interviewer had no way of knowing
that this would be
the last known interview with The
Now, Doctor, you are billed as the World's Greatest
What exactly is a
Well, I don't bill myself as the World's Greatest Coordinologist. I
don't know who started
that. I am simply a coordinologist, which is anyone
doesn't hurt that you have a doctorate in coordinology, which is the study
That would be
as well as
ticked off. It wasn't part of
defense. I was
inspired by Oksana
giving me a gift. We know
from the “impossibility of
contrary” that “proving a universal negative”
is not impossible.
AS: In fact, you've quarterbacked a high school football
an expedition to search for Noah's Ark, written
a book about the impact of
the War of the Worlds Broadcast, taught four elementary
school grades at the
same time, was awarded the Presidential
Physical Fitness Award for
can make a paper football
hand, and are quite a
good juggler. I'd say that you're the World's
Greatest. For the sake of those who
don't know you,
would you explain what
Last Known Interview With
On June 9, 1988, after school, A. Student sat down with Doctor Chess for an end-of-the-school-year interview. The interviewer had no way of knowing that this would be the last known interview with The World's Greatest Coordinologist.
Now, Doctor, you are billed as the World's Greatest
What exactly is a
DC: Well, I don't bill myself as the World's Greatest Coordinologist. I don't know who started that. I am simply a coordinologist, which is anyone who coordinates.
AS: It doesn't hurt that you have a doctorate in coordinology, which is the study
DC: Ah...right. That would be metaphysical coordinology as well as physical.
AS:Speaking of metaphysical coordinology, there is a story circulating that during your spy trial, in the Soviet Union, in which you defended yourself, you “proved a universal negative” as part of your defense. Is that true?
DC: Brezhnev was really ticked off. It wasn't part of the original defense. I was inspired by Oksana giving me a gift. We know from the “impossibility of the contrary” that “proving a universal negative” is not impossible.
AS: In fact, you've quarterbacked a high school football championship team, led an expedition to search for Noah's Ark, written a book about the impact of the War of the Worlds Broadcast, taught four elementary school grades at the same time, was awarded the Presidential Physical Fitness Award for Instructor, can make a paper football with one hand, and are quite a good juggler. I'd say that you're the World's Greatest. For the sake of those who don't know you, would you explain what chess is?
DC: Well, chess has been called a lot of things...an exercise, a game, art, and life itself. That's why there is a lot of mystery to it. The best definition is this: Chess is the coordination of limited time, space, and matter to achieve a purpose. Now, what that means is that you are moving material objects to different locations and you have a certain amount of time to do it. Remember the old school phrase, "In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue"? Columbus coordinated (moved) matter (men, supplies, ships) across space (the Atlantic Ocean) in time (1492). Of course, there're three different aspects to time. Now, everyone in daily life coordinates time, space, and matter whether they know it or not. How many times have you heard the football or basketball announcer refer to the game as a chess match? So everyone plays chess in one form or another, because everyone coordinates the time, space and matter that has been allotted to them during their lifetimes. Some are pretty good.
long has chess been around?
DC: Well, chess in its present form, has been around for at least 500 years. However, coordinating time, space, and matter on boards has been around for as long as civilized man has been on earth. There are artifacts... the royal game of Ur... and reliefs going back to Ancient Egypt and Ancient Greece showing gods, animals, and men sitting down and moving material objects on boards, and of course, they had a certain amount of time to do that...you know...all throughout history. So, the Doctor Chess Theory is that mankind has always had this exercise whereby they taught and learned to coordinate things in an efficient way because they always had to get the job done or the mission accomplished, whether they were military strategists showing their troops the different movements, ancient engineers depicting plans for building pyramids, or even today, where the coach shows the quarterback the play that he wants run...and he goes out and...you know...Joe Montana wins the Super Bowl with 2.2 seconds left on the clock. He's coordinating time, space and matter. So, chess has been around since the beginning of time that people ever desired to teach others how to coordinate time, space and matter.
AS: According to my records, you played the most important chess game of all time. Are you the next Bobby Fischer?
DC: Ahhh...I don't want to be the next Bobby Fischer. I want to be the next Orson Welles... the 1938 version... I still like to jog.
AS: Teacher/Adventurer/Hero is a term by which most of your students describe you. Do you have a teacher/hero?
For me, my mentor, Professor
Syn-Thesis, would be number one. Of course, there were
through the years:
Nuu Phun Yhett... Bahnsen... Keel...
AS: You use a lot of
you teach chess.
Is there a
DC: By the time Coach Walsh hangs up his headset, chess will have evolved into its highest form ever: NFL Football.
AS: How would you assess the NFL today?
AS: As long as we're on the subject of football, according to my sources, if it wasn't for a career-ending injury in your last championship game, you would have been a shoo-in for the Heisman Trophy and then the NFL and beyond....
DC: Some people would say I've already hit the beyond stage. However, concerning the glory days, your sources are overly kind.
AS: In light of the big "Human Versus Machine" debate, what is your assessment of chess now, and in the future?
DC: By the time computer/machines seriously threaten the world champion of chess, my Millennium Falcon Strategy will be ready, but that may not be enough. It may very well come to pass that the future numerical salvation of the human chess-playing world may dwell, not in the hands, but in the neurotransmitters of an unknown mathematical messiah of, not artistic accomplishments, but autistic endowments....
AS: Do you know who this is?
DC: At this point in time, I have no idea. The person may not even know how to play chess...might be a skateboarder...a trading card collector...or a video game player...a Lego constructor...a music student.... But one thing is certain: The kid or kids would be great at coordinating.
AS: I'll bet in your coordinologist travels you could find and train this kid.
DC: I don't know if I'd want to...I'm in enough trouble as it is. You'd have every agent of evil out there trying to prevent the kid from reaching full potential. But I wouldn't worry about that...it's just a theory.
AS: Doctor Chess...every agent of evil is ALREADY after you. How will you ever escape?
DC: Operation: Fake Hand-Off...my chess agents all over the world are calling themselves 'Doctor Chess'. By the time the bad guys find out what's going on, we've scored a touchdown! Hah! As for the future development of the game of chess, we should soon be seeing the NFL-ization of chess, which would mean beginning the games with different formations. I've given Professor Chess the blueprints. He's working on it for me. You see, chess has been stuck in the same starting position for about 500 years. Can you imagine if NFL offenses and defenses never changed their formations since Day-One? Hmmm?
AS: Any changes for the pieces?
DC: Sure. King would be changed to Koach, from two old European words, Queen would be Quarterback, Rook to Runner, Bishop changed to Back, Knight to Nose/Nickel, and Pawns would be changed to Players. The codes would remain the same.
AS: What about that "Millennium Falcon Strategy?"
DC: Well, the research is still secret, but it would be an , which you can use with white or black. It pulls the opponent into a tractor beam of logic, then traps him into a mathematical cul-de-sac.
AS: Any other changes on the horizon?
DC: I've been asked by President Reagan to come up with a new innovation for the new millennium. "Super Castling" would allow the rook to continue a normal horizontal move. They would be able to capture as well. Queenside Super Castling would give the King a two or three move option. This would be similar to a quarterback rolling out and having the option of handing off to a receiver on an end around.
AS: Doctor, during the Iran-Contra Hearings, information came out about then possible future covert operations. Ten million dollars disappeared. Shortly thereafter, rumors about a shadow educational system to teach logic began to appear. Does "Underground Network Chess League Enterprises" or U.N.C.L.E. exist? And can you explain what you were doing in Switzerland?
DC: Ahh... I believe that there is an organization that does hold secret sudden-death chess matches for large sums of riches (cash, jewels, lost Lon Chaney films, sport cards) around the world in extreme locations (Antarctica, Death Valley, Easter Island) to avoid taxes and publicity. I do not believe it has a name, but I have heard those rumors. About that Switzerland trip... uh..."Don't tell anybody, ok?" You're a good reporter.
AS: You're writing a book
on Ancient Coordinology,
quarterbacks, running a
campaign strategy hot-line, going to sponsor a youth hockey team and
are teaching chess
everywhere. You're a pretty busy guy. Do you need
DC: Well, I am accepting applications for a Nurse Chess. She'll have to be able to type real fast... You know, I'm having trouble remembering some of the things you're asking me about.
AS: The reason that you can't remember is explained in the notes and records that I've been keeping these past three years. Doctor Chess, you and everyone else must read these records that I'm going to call "The Unclass is Back!"
In the spring of 1988, the World's Greatest Coordinologist suddenly disappeared. Shortly thereafter, many mysterious changes in the educational, environmental, geographical, and political landscape began. In the fall of 1999 cyber agents discovered a millennium to millennium link that could solve these world-wide, covered up mysteries and continue the greatest classroom adventure of all time. The only question now is...
!llabtoof eht fo mottob eht no knil eht dnif
erutnevda siht eunitkcilc oT
(Reg. No. 2,159,069) (Reg. No. 3,683,629)
and Dr. Chess
(Reg. No. 2,160,653)
Patent and Trademark Office.
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